Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
