The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
