meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I met the friendliest cop last night
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
