Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
