you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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