apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
