I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
