well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
