I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
