I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
