I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
