Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
