Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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