My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
