I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
