my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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