I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
