dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
