I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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