I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I am one with the molecules
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
