My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
