y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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