Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
