Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize