dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
