this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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