Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
