Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
