i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
