she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
