why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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