i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
