The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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