yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
