A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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