I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
