I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
