You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
