I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
