What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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