i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
