Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
