I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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