I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
