Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
