Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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