the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Randomize
