so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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