best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
