i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
