just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Sober January is a disaster.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
