It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize