he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
