dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
