My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Randomize
