Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
