but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
