I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
