Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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