life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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