I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize