i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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