you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
