I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
