So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
