i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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