No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize