Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
