i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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