why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize