I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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