I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
