Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
