The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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