my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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