hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
