got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
